Finding Mistress Right!
How to Find Your Own Dominatrix
By Nancy Ava Miller, M.Ed.

Female Dominance—erotic activity—a switch from the usually less assertive female role in heterosexual relationships. ----Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D.

Love is bondage; the lover is a slave. When one loves deeply, passionately, totally, submission to that love is not only degradation but also an ecstasy.
Lyn Cowan (Masochism: A Jungian View)
    It is the battle cry of the sexual underground. It is a moan, a lament, a plea. It is admitted with embarrassment and guilt by men as macho and as brawny as Arnold Schwarzenegger, men as lean and mean and make—my-day as Eastwood. And in my four years of leading S&M support groups nationwide, I’ve heard it again and again—that wail, that sob, that simple sentence, a refrain as persistent as spring rain: "I want a dominant woman!"
    It is the hidden fantasy, unmentionable in polite society. It is the secret side of judges, doctors, cowboys, cabbies and construction workers: the craving, the longing, the obsession, the daydream, the wet dream—the desire to be sexually dominated, to be handcuffed, spanked and loved.
    "Perhaps 100,000 to 150,000 males each year visit a professional dominant or mistress for erotic satisfaction." So states Dr. Gini Graham Scott in her book, Erotic Power: An Exploration of Dominance and Submission (Secaucus, NJ: Citadel Press, 1983).
    And, indeed, the sex tabloids run rampant with the proclamations of these pay-for-play dominatrixes. Consider. for example, this sampling from the pages of Spectator:
Veruska!
Tall Blond Goddess
Trains Submissives
Explore SM, BD to Your Limits
Lady Thorn
I demand complete obedience...
Mistress Madeline
Cassandra 12 Years Experience
in Latex Leather Lace
B/D—Fetish—Fantasy—SM
Well-equipped clinic room;
exam table and medical uniforms

    Yes, the professional dominatrixes are ready and available, and many a man has thanked Goddess for their services. But what of the gent who yearns for a bit more than what the pros provide?
    What of the male who covets a "real" dominant/submissive (D/S) relationship—a girlfriend, a lover, a playmate, a soul mate, a wife, some caring female to exert stem control over his erotic life and the bulge in his trousers? Where does this man turn if not to dear Veruska or Lady Thorn?
    After all, one just can't kneel before every long-legged woman wearing leather boots in the lunch line at McDonald's, hoping in this manner to nab the nearest dominatrix, to have and to hold.
    To make matters more confusing, the D/S community and the world at large suffer from a dearth of females. In my support groups, for example, the ratio of new inquiries—submissive gents to dominant women—runs over 100 to one. Chances are slim, therefore, that (leather boots or no) any given girl, at any given time, at any given place, will turn out to be someone whose fantasies involve mummifying a guy in duct tape or ordering him to obtain a dog collar.
    "While some men are successful in finding (dominant) women..." Dr. Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D., writes, "many others have difficulty. Some of the men having difficulties are older, less attractive, or less adept socially and would have trouble attracting a woman in any social context. But often men who are quite personable experience similar difficulties, simply because there are so many more men who want to be submissive than women who are dominant—at many...meetings (of D/S groups) men outnumber women two or three to one."
    Clearly, the submissive men intent on meeting a dominant woman needs a strategy, a plan. Here, then, are Mistress Miller’s Tips and Taboos for Finding a Dominatrix.

Dominant/Submissive Support Groups
    Despite Dr. Scott’s portent about the abundance of men at such meetings, still the best place to find dominant women is at any one of the many educational support groups for people interested in D/S erotica.
    Don’t fall discouraged, however, if Ms. Right doesn’t hook a leash to your belt loop as soon as you march through the door of such a group. In fact, your own particular brand of Ms. Right might not be present at that first gathering...or the second...or the third. After all, no one thinks it odd when a single gent in search of a girlfriend visits Parents Without Partners or the Unitarian Social for months on end till he finally apprehends that special sweetheart. Why, then, should things be any different for the submissive soul seeking his mate?
    Therefore, embrace a philosophical outlook whenever attending these meetings. Because if you join with a "gotta-find-a-girl" attitude, you are courting disappointment. Instead, look forward to networking with many good people—male and female, dominant and submissive, gay and straight. Look forward to learning something about this form of erotica that captivates your mind, heart, and genitals—for after all, first and foremost, these groups offer education and support as well as camaraderie and kink. Perhaps you might even contribute to the club in some way, by volunteering for newsletter work, for instance, or through something as simple as sharing your thoughts and feelings at a rap session.
    If you attend with the spirit of adventure, exploration, and giving, you are bound to benefit from the group. And, incidentally, you will meet some dominant females in the process—sincere women who are there for the same reason you are, because they are driven by a desire to develop and cultivate their own unique form of eros. You will meet women in leather, women with little black whips dangling from their waists, women in six-inch heels. You will meet indistinguishable from schoolmarms with their plaid skirts and loafers. And one of these women may be the gal for you!

Personal Ads
    A female placing a personal ad for a D/S relationship is apt to receive well over 100 letters from potential boyfriends. Circa 1985, I myself netted 170 responses with my first classified insert in the Albuquerque Journal; it read: "Attractive, domineering, sincere F seeks submissive, obedient, smart, sane, reliable M..." Yet a man running a similar blurb for a dominant companion might gather only one or two responses—if he’s the lucky sort, the type that wins in Vegas, for instance. Sad truth: Most men who publish ads receive no replies, or replies from women who misread or misinterpreted their message. Guys who answer ads fare only somewhat better than those who post their own. Nevertheless, do not discount the classifieds. My friend Mistress Ginger in Oklahoma runs national announcements for submissive men on a regular basis, and Mistress Kay of Nashville both prints and answers ads. Over the years, I, too, have played the personals, meeting many good men that way. So, from time to time, women do advertise and respond to ads.
    But there is another reason for going the ad route. By constructing your own blurb, you can pinpoint exactly what you seek from a woman. Is intelligence important? Looks? Attire? And what can you offer her?—Devotion? Love? Marriage? Total submission or just once-upon-a-bedroom? You also can determine the type of relationship you desire—monogamous or open, for instance. In short, a personal ad can clarify things for you; it can offer you direction.
    In addition, if you respond to ads, you will grow accustomed to communicating with dominant women, at least via letter writing. True, these gals may not write back, but at least you have contemplated what to say to them, and what not to say, and after a while you will learn to portray an accurate account of your assets, goals, and longings—a portrait appealing to any female!

Convincing Your Wife or Girlfriend to Dominate You
    Pitiful—the number of men who hide their submissive side from a wife or lover. The fear—that the loved one will bail out once the issue of a D/S relationship is broached. And surely many a man has watched his woman tremble away in fright and confusion once he hauls the handcuffs out.
    To tell or not to tell, that is the question. Easy for me to say: I advise you to opt for honesty. But there are various ways to explain yourself—bad ways and good ways.
    For instance, never make a big deal of your proclivities; keep it light, playful. Don’t take her by her hand after dinner one night, stare at her pupils till they dilate, and state in a deliberate, somber voice, "Honey, sit down. I got something I gotta tell ya..."
    Start slow. No need to reveal your most bizarre bondage fixation immediately. Try, for once, to forget that throbbing in your groin, and approach the matter from her point of view: How might she benefit from your predilection, for example (as opposed to how she can fulfill your needs).
    A gift is a good place to begin. Do you—like most submissive men—love the female foot, cherish the notion of licking a lady’s boot? Then buy your woman some kinky shoes. From spikes to thigh-highs, the choice is yours. But remember: Purchase something she will enjoy, too! And when she wears your gift for that first time, tell her she looks so luscious you just want to kiss the earth she trods upon. Then fall to your hands and knees, and—smiling all the while—lay some smackers on the toe leather, embrace her lower calves, and declare your undying devotion. Then stand up, grin, dust yourself off, and drop it for a week or two, until you once again—with humor and caring—allude to your desires.
    One transvestite I know harbored this predilection for years, but finally grew weary of deception. "Honey," he finally asked his wife, "how would you like a maid?" "I’d love one!" replied the spouse.
    "I’ve got just the girl for you," the husband assured.
     He went into the bedroom and emerged 30 minutes later as "Joan," his female persona. After an instant of stunned silence, the wife pointed to the vacuum and commanded, "Get busy."
     "Due to the eroticizing of female power," Dr. Scott explains, "many men in a D&S relationship become quite eager to ‘serve’ the woman."
     Now Joan and his bride dine out regularly or mosey through the mall together. Sometimes an adult daughter joins them in their escapades. And, incidentally, the house is always spotless.
     Some men achieve success in converting a partner to dominance by initially dominating the woman. Dr. Scott describes one such couple:
    At first, her relationship with Marvin, a 40-year-old internist, was quite conventional... Gradually, Marvin began sharing his fantasies with her, but he put no pressure on her to play them out, so she wouldn’t feel threatened. Also, he told her his dominant male fantasies first, so she would experience less conflict with her usual female role. His strategy, which he used successfully with other women, was one of gradual revelation to gain acceptance.
    Melody soon became curious, and Marvin encouraged her to play out some of her lighter fantasy ideas, such as his fantasy of tying her up. Marvin then started sharing his ideas about being submissive, and Melody agreed to try these out, too. She had already broken the first barrier by getting involved in D&S, so it was easier to proceed to the next step: switching roles.
Once she did, she found she liked it... Within a few weeks, she was eagerly trying out new techniques with Marvin...
To tell or not to tell...? Perhaps after all you have no choice. For what then is the alternative?—secrecy, deception and fear. And, yes, your woman may leave you when she learns you long to be spanked or shackled. (Dr. Scott warns that, according to her inquiries, "most... efforts to share [D&S] with girlfriends and wives were unsuccessful.") Nevertheless, these yearnings are a part of you—the fantasies, the fixations, the fetishes. And they will gnaw away at your relationship just as surely if you hide them as if you try to share them with your sweetheart. In his article, "Masochist’s Lib," (The Village Voice, May 13, 1971), Terry Kolb states: "Let us really open up—both in pleasure and in growth. Repressing deviant behavior will solve nothing. Let us understand it and try to accept the positive values that are to be found in it... In a word—let us be free."
     Know that in choosing to pursue a dominant/submissive relationship, one takes a courageous first step towards that freedom. Know, too, that the submissive man typically is not a wimp, a fool, or a follower of Charles Manson.
    "Who are we," asks Terry Kolb, "we ‘poor people’ of the sex ads and all the rest of it? The people have met through the ads and in the Eulenspiegel Society [oldest D/S support group in the US] were usually well-educated and almost always highly intelligent. Many of us work in conservative business firms and you would never guess our secret if you were to meet us on the job. More frequently, we are into socially oriented fields—we are teachers, social workers, therapists, etc. The highest number of us are creative, however—writers, composers, musicians, and painters... I have developed a marvelous self-image by discovering who my ‘fellow degenerates’ are."
    Dr. Scott emphasizes, "this is not a group of drop-outs and losers; they are mainstream Americans.. I did not find them to be psychologically troubled or inept."
    And, getting back to that notion of freedom, she writes:
    [M]any D&Sers find through the sexual interchange a profound closeness, intimacy, and a sense of communication and trust with one partner.. coupled with a greater awareness of self, and an experience of self-expansion... For some D&Sers, [the] intensity yields... [a] spiritual experience in which they come in touch with their own deep feelings and those of their partner, D&S offers them not only immediate sexual satisfaction but a lingering spiritual or psychic fulfillment. They speak of a blissful surrender..."
Gentlemen, I ask you: what could be freer than that?

About the Author
Dominatrix/author/sex educator Nancy Ava Miller, M. Ed. may be reached at home any hour (505) 281-6262. 
Please call Nancy for free literature, etc.