HOW TO START YOUR OWN S&M SUPPORT GROUP!
By Nancy Ava Miller, M.Ed.
Nancy (505) 281-6262
Networking is the key, so many
wonderful people, so many great ideas and philosophies.
This life would not be nearly as rewarding without the
networking!
HOW I CREATED AN S&M
GROUP—AN INTRODUCTION
On the phone the other night, Morgan Lewis and I got to reminiscing.
Morgan—for those of you unhip to the S&M Scene in New York City—hails as
a longtime board member of the Eulenspeigel Society (TES), oldest SM
support group in the US, founded 1971 by Mr. Pat Bond.
"Bet you never thought I'd do it!" I told
Morgan, referring to 1986 and the first time I attended TES. I'm sure as
far as TES was concerned back then, I was just another hyped up dom' in
motorcycle boots, ranting about a proposed S&M group in New Mexico, of
all places!
"No! No!" insisted Morgan, "I knew you'd do
it."
Then we recollected an SM party in Virginia—
one of the first I scheduled after founding PEP-DC, my second People
Exchanging Power SM group, born eight months after PEP-Albuquerque.
"Remember that whip demo?" I said, "with
Michael and Meriam?"
"She was crazy over him," Morgan sighed.
Michael was a paraplegic confined to a
wheelchair.
"You never saw him without a beautiful woman
hanging around—or two or three. They were all crazy over him. He must've
been a great dom'..."
A pause.
"Yes," said Morgan.
Another pause. It was not long after the
Virginia party that Michael died—of cancer.
The conversation with Morgan spurred a
kaleidoscope of memories. I recalled other PEP clubs in other cities,
and the many people I've met because in 1986 I decided to create my own
support group in New Mexico. Nine groups in nine years as it turned out:
Albuquerque, Washington, Tucson, Phoenix, Philadelphia, Atlanta,
Baltimore, and St. Louis. (Oh, by the way, that's not counting the PEP
groups that sprang up in yet other cities, founded by folks other than
myself!)
And in these nine years, I've been asked again
and again: How do you do it? How does one actually form an SM support
group where none exists?
When I launched PEP in 1986, I had no
guidelines. Sure, I sojourned to New York, dropped in on Eulenspeigel
twice a week for weeks on end while camping out upstate in my Toyota
van, met Morgan and Pat Bond and the rest of the TES habitués. I asked a
lot of questions, observed how Eulenspeigel operated, confiscated all
the SM information TES proffered, and then drove home to New Mexico
where I secured a conference room and placed my first infamous PEP ad in
the Albuquerque Journal:
Dominant—submissive love? New! Intelligent
support group! October 16...
But then I was on my own.
In the beginning, I did some
things I would not now repeat. I also stumbled upon ideas that worked
and worked well. Trial and error, as they say. And now that I've tried
and erred—plus tried and succeeded a time or two!—I dedicate this
article to those of you courageous enough and altruistic enough and
tough enough (and—once in a while—masochistic enough!) to take on the
task of starting your own SM support group! Here then are Mistress
Miller's suggestions on how to create your own S&M support group!
WHY START A GROUP
ANYWAY? Before forging forward, please consider your motives
in starting the group. While there may not be any completely right
reasons for so doing, a few wrong reasons deserve attention.
Do not start an SM support group to: —
make money
— find sex partners — promote yourself (or your business)
— compete with (or hurt) others
Recently, Bob and Mary (not their real names) decided to create a
PEP-club in Maryland. In conversing with Bob, I heard over and over
again how the group would be a big money-maker and how Mary (a
professional dominatrix) would garner lots of clients from the venture.
In addition, Bob mentioned another local SM organization where he and
Mary felt shunned—a group "doing things all wrong." So he and Mary were
planning some competition for the "bad guys" by way of the new group.
But an SM support network based primarily on accumulating wealth, self
aggrandizement and hurtful competition is no doubt doomed to failure.
Not that a group couldn't—in theory—produce income. Not that such a
group won't lend validity and viability to those who lead it, and not
that two or three SM groups cannot co-exist in the same general
locale—in such a fashion, by the way, that ALL the groups benefit from
one another through synergistic relationships as opposed to a situation
of cut-throat competition, distrust, mistrust, and lack of
communication. And as for improving one's sex appeal, no doubt those who
accept the time, effort, exposure, and expense of leading an SM club
become more desirable (and lauded) in the eyes of our fetish community.
But personal gain—while not to be eschewed or ignored—should not be the
main goal in starting your support system.
I like to believe that altruistic goals are
best when creating a group, but I'm not sure that's true. I've often
stated that PEP was born out of my own desperation, loneliness,
isolation, fears, and frustrations. PEP exists today because I craved
the camaraderie of people who shared or accepted my own sexual
obsessions. Yes, of course, I hoped to help others via PEP. I hoped to
structure a haven for those of us who are—shall we say?—"sexually
unique." But—if truth be known—PEP was propelled primarily by the needs
of my own heart, soul, mind, and genitals.
The early organizations for
sexual perverts are marked by histories of struggle—the struggles of the
founders to create and keep their groups alive despite financial
turbulence, societal pressures, censorship, legal battles, internal
group strife. Henry Hay of the Mattachine Society (first successful Gay
organization); Pat Bond of Eulenspiegle; the late Cynthia Slatter of
Society of Janus in California (second oldest SM support group in the
US)—all faced battles and barriers to the formation and survival of
their groups. We need not assume that SM groups during the 1990's won't
see their own ups and downs as well. Be prepared for sacrifice—or, at
least be aware of the potential for sacrifice while recognizing, too,
the potential for joy and for personal benefit.
IN THE BEGINNING, OR "IF YOU
BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME" It is not necessary to call around trying
to "get a feel" for who might be interested in an SM support group, and
it certainly is not necessary to extract commitments of attendance from
fetish aficionados before forging ahead with your group. You need not
communicate for months via the local bondage BBS (computer bulletin
board service) to learn if others agree with your idea, and don't bother
publishing an exploratory classified ad to gauge the viability of an SM
network.
You may recall the refrain from
the movie, Field of Dreams: "If you build it, they will come" (referring
to a premonition that long dead baseball heroes will re-appear for one
last game if only a new ball field is molded out of farmland). That same
refrain relates to the formation of SM support groups: "If you build it,
they will come." Find the conference room. Schedule the dates. Secure
the speakers. Set up a voice message to announce group information.
Place a few classified blurbs touting your events. And people will
come—men in boots; women in garter belts and heels; (guys in garter
belts and heels!); leatherdykes on motorcycles; gay boys with earrings,
nose rings, and dick rings; housewives with collars and exposed nipples.
If you build it, they will come.
WHERE TO MEET
Consider holding your first meeting, by the way, in a public space—in a
church, for instance, or in a hotel conference room, or at a community
center. This will lend credibility to your group and provide attendees
with a sense of safety. After all, visiting an SM group for the first
time can seem threatening or scary. How many tales I've heard of men and
women discovering a PEP ad, showing up at the rendezvous spot and
approaching the door only to turn around and rush away, frightened of
what they may encounter, but more frightened, perhaps, of facing head-on
their own sexuality at that moment.
My first PEP gatherings were held at Common
Bond Gay Community Center in Albuquerque. But the local Lesbians
complained about an SM club there. The women felt they might be
"attacked" by our members. (I tried to explain that most of the guys
would prefer if the Lesbians attacked them, but PEP nevertheless was
ousted from Common Bond amidst much controversy and fanfare.)
Next we shifted to a class room at University
of New Mexico. But a janitor turned us in for displaying "pornographic
material," thus PEP was forced to depart the hallowed halls of academia.
The Albuquerque group then congregated in churches, offices, and in the
homes of members before finally renting its own official "PEP House," a
duplex in suburbia.
PEP-DC first convened at Rockville Unitarian
Church. But soon bonafide church-goers infiltrated PEP as spies and
later told us—nicely, as it turned out!— that "PEP's philosophy was not
in keeping with the philosophy of the Unitarian Church." (In pondering
how the "spies" arrived at this conclusion, we determined it was an
animated discussion on fisting that did us in—where long-time
Leatherman, the late Bob Key, raised his arm and, pointing to his elbow,
stated: "I got my whole arm in up to here!")
In recent years, I've noticed
less resistance in reserving meeting rooms for PEP. Perhaps the times
are changing with respect to the acceptance and validity of SM as a
sexual preference. At any rate, PEP is honored to have been booted out
of the conference halls of some most prestigious organizations!
EVENTS—WHO? WHAT?
Before advertising the new group, schedule at least two events about
a week apart. Thus, when folks call your message line (an automated
voice system which announces group information) they'll hear of both
gatherings and assume the group is on-going and not a fly-by-night
scheme. And if callers cannot attend the initial function, perhaps they
will visit the second (or third) get-together!
Meetings Number One and Two should be
informational, cerebral, fascinating, enticing. (Save for later—though
it, too, may be "enticing"!—the penis-piercing demo by the macho-man
resembling Mr. Clean. (Group members may feel more comfortable with one
another at that future meeting, plus more educated about the many
possibilities of SM.)
Your first presentations should in no way
involve topics or activities which could be misconstrued as illegal or
dangerous. No fisting demos, for example. No sexual penetration of any
kind! A discussion of the Daddy-girl/Daddy-boy phenomenon might fare
best in a seasoned group where there's less chance vice cops might peg
your club as catering to pedophiles.
What talks should you
schedule?—A few of my favorites for new groups: —Recruit an
attorney to discuss "Sex, S&M, and the Law." Members are often up-tight
at the start of a new SM support group and an expert may reassure
everyone about what is or is not sexually acceptable in the eyes of the
local authorities. Where to find your legal pundit? Call the Bar
Association, the ACLU, or the law department of any university.
—Schedule a talk on "Safe SM" by your local AIDS agency. Some of the
hottest presentations I've seen involved the subject of safe sex where
AIDS educators arrived with phalluses, condoms, and other devices geared
toward having fun without risking the infamous "exchange of bodily
fluids." By the way, often the volunteers who man the AIDS organizations
are themselves SM participants. Therefore, when scheduling the lecture
make sure you explain the nature of your support group. Request a
speaker who possesses—if possible—some familiarity with SM. You may be
surprised at who shows up! In Washington, for instance, the AIDS
expert—a man with a body to beat Arnold Schwarzeneger's!—arrived in full
leather regalia toting a black bag of fetish toys. —Recruit a
hip minister for a "Sex and Religion" talk. To locate a "hip minister,"
try the Unitarian Church or a Gay congregation. —Schedule a
psychology guru to discuss the paraphilias, and how and where SM fits in
with other unique sexual behaviors. Make sure your speaker is
"SM-friendly"—i.e., open-minded, objective, and truthful regarding our
special brand of erotica—not someone dealing in negative sexual
stereotypes! The psychology department of any university (or the human
development department) may provide leads as to such speakers.
BENEVOLENT
DICTATOR
I do not recommend running your support group democratically. In the
early era of PEP, I tried to please everyone. Thus for every major
decision, I called a meeting to brainstorm towards an "answer," a
"solution," or a "better way." If more members favored lowering of party
fees, I reduced the price. If members insisted PEP events originate at
nine p.m. instead of 7:00, we congregated at the later hour. This
democratic method, however, proved cumbersome and time consuming. Plus,
for almost every soul who preferred the nine o'clock rendezvous, another
could be found decrying the new policy! In addition, this wimpy
management strategy left the group without a sense of strong
leadership.
I recall one gathering where PEP member Diane
persisted in chatting during a lecture, competing— loudly at moments—
with the scheduled presentation. I shushed her a couple of times, but
she took umbrage at my attempts to insure respect for the official
speaker. Later, Diane pulled me aside and told me she felt I was wrong
to silence her beforehand. She believed the audience had every right to
chit-chat, even during a presentation!
"I want you to call a meeting right now,
Nancy," Diane insisted. "Let's take a vote and see how many people agree
with me, and how many side with you."
Fortunately, Diane's demand fell after I'd
reconsidered my policy on group democracy. And although she didn't
realize it (she had skipped the business meeting where I announced my
new method of leadership), PEP by now had metamorphosed into a
benevolent dictatorship, where I was boss. A nice boss —yes. A boss who
listened well and who took all suggestions into consideration and then
made her own decisions. A boss—a leader—who ruled kindly, in a Dale
Carnegie fashion. But, nevertheless: A boss.
In PEP's early days, I might have embraced
Diane's demand, called an emergency meeting to discuss her feelings,
held a vote, and then acted according to group wishes. But now I
responded differently. I explained to Diane that it is inappropriate to
speak while another is speaking—especially while a scheduled guest is
speaking! I encouraged Diane to create her own group with its own rules,
since she wasn't pleased with PEP. If she chose to attend PEP, however,
she'd best refrain from conversing during the official meeting, unless,
of course, she herself held the floor!
What have I learned about leadership since the
early days of PEP? Do not fear it. Do not allow the "Dianes" of the
world to shake and sway you—to sour your joy of the group. Solicit
suggestions and advice. Respect what your hear. And then act according
to your own judgment. You do not require a board of directors to guide
you. You need not feel everyone must love you or your choices. Always do
what you feel is best for the group. Some of your ideas may not pan out,
but if you govern with honesty and with the strength of your
convictions, the group should flourish under your compassionate
leadership.
Tip: Anyone leading—or hoping to lead—an SM
group should consider memorizing Dale Carnegie's masterpiece, How to Win
Friends and Influence People. In fact, any person alive and well and not
subsisting in an cellar isolated from other beings should embrace this
landmark dissertation on self-development, the human condition, and
human communication. Among many topics, the book discusses the value of
a smile, why no one ever wins an argument, the futility of criticism,
plus the importance of good listening (and how to do it!). If you wish
to succeed in life, in love, in work, and with your SM support group,
read Dale Carnegie, please!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Nancy Ava Miller still plans
new S&M groups for the future. Next stop?—Possibilities include
Anchorage, Vancouver, Minneapolis.
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