Articles
A Slave's Place
After the Party
Different Loving
Dispelling the Myth
Domination at a Distance
Dominatrix Takes On
Enema Within
Growing up Kinky
Hot Boxx
How and Why of a Nice Jewish Girl
Master Bill and Leslie
My Mom the Dom
Ode to the Penis
Peeping Tom
Sex and Absurdity
Interview with Nancy Ava Miller, MEd
PREFACE
The following is an interview with Nancy Ava Miller which appeared in the book, "Different Loving",
by Will & Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs (Random House, 1993).
Back in 1979 I was giving a lecture at the University of Maryland to a creative-writing class, and there [was] a gentleman in the audience who, although I didn't know it at the time, was a dominant transvestite. We started dating and fell in love, and he gradually exposed me to this. Before I knew it, I became his sex-love slave and loved it. [But] he got very sick [and] decided that he didn't want to get married—we had been planning marriage. Also, my son was very sick, and my ex-husband decided he didn't want the children anymore, so I [needed more space]. Because the kids were coming back, I decided to move to New Mexico. There I put an ad in a local Albuquerque magazine, met a wonderful man named Bob, and we ended up getting married. He was not into S&M. [We] thought I could just sort of shake the obsession, but I found the further away from it I was forced to be because of marriage, familial obligations, and such, the more obsessed with it I became. After several years of marriage, Bob suggested that we have an open marriage.
I got 36 responses [to a personal] ad. It read something like, "Attractive female writer, age 33, new to Albuquerque, seeks..." and then I had a list of adjectives: Intelligent, same, reliable, et cetera. At the very end, I put "domineering man." I didn't even know the word dominant. Except for one lawyer, who wrote [that] he was into spanking, they all wrote that they were everything that I wanted [except] domineering. I concluded at that point that it was going to be difficult to find another dominant man.
Five years later, when my husband and I broke up, I placed an ad for a submissive man. I wanted a love slave. That ad said, "Attractive, dominant female seeks submissive, obedient gentleman, non-smoker, non-weirdo, non-druggie, for kinky love."
I got 170 responses to that ad. I was shocked. That was the first notion that I ever had that there were probably millions of us out there.
One of the men [who replied to my ad] gave me a book by Dr. Gini Graham Scott, Erotic Power. I read the book in one or two sittings, and my jaw was hanging open to think that there were organizations for people like me. As soon as I read the [term] support group, I knew I was going to form my own group. I realized that I [had] tapped into something very basic. As I go along, I continue to realize that the submissive fantasy is within all of us, probably. And with men it runs very deep.
An amazing thing I've come to realize over the years is that most women have no idea what men are really thinking sexually. There are husbands who call me up for female domination, and most of [their wives] have no idea that their husbands want to have the women tie them up or give them enemas.
They just think they're nice family men who are dominant [at home], lawyers or doctors. My feeling is that if you can tap into that submissive aspect of a man, you can control everything about that man. I was beginning to come in touch with that when I got those 170 responses. A year-and-a-half later, I was still getting letters from that advertisement.
I personally hold the greatest respect for the submissive man. I don't think there's anything meek or wimpy about [him]. I think [for him] to accept and embrace his disposition, even if he only accepts it on a mental level and never tells anyone about it, means he is a very strong individual. He's going against the whole dictate of society, because from birth, the dictate is the opposite: Protector, family man, dominant.
PEP [People Exchanging Power] started out as a support group in Albuquerque for people who were interested in D&S and erotic love relationships, and then it turned into a network of support groups.
They can get counseling from me or from other women, and in the future we'll probably have men. You can call for counseling or if you want an S&M experience over the phone. And there's my professional domination.
My background is in education; I have a Master's in education. Before I started PEP, I did a lot of volunteer work with cancer patients. I have a handicapped child, and my other child was very difficult to raise. So I got involved with Tough Love groups. It was like a natural outgrowth of this kind of altruism that I believe was left over from my hippie days. From early memory, I've also had a need or desire to control things.
[I've] only done one golden shower, and I loved it. I'm a little wary of doing other [water sports], I guess because of my own inhibitions. When I do enemas, I'm always giving. Now, personally, I'm an enema addict. I do two, three, four enemas a day. It also turns me on when I give it to men.
The golden-shower scene is very popular with men. I would say probably 80 to 90 percent of the men I talk to have some sort of urine fantasy. Of course, most of the men that I talk to are admittedly submissive, and they're calling for some form of domination. [Of] the men I talk to, maybe 30 percent are into enemas. In terms of brown showers, it's less than five percent.
Lately, I've been doing something really interesting over the phone. I tell the man to get an enema bag filled with hot water and one cup of coffee. The water should be a little bit hotter than body temperature. This is usually someone that I've done before over the phone. I have him insert maybe a cup or a cup and a half of the enema water. And then...well, I used to teach Transcendental Meditation for years, along with the Maharishi around the globe. I also took EST training, and I had my second child under hypnosis, so I'm interested in that sort of stuff. I have been meditating for 21 years, every day, twice a day. So over the years I've concocted this technique: It's a compilation of [things]—a little bit of TM, a little bit of EST, and a little bit of hypnosis. I put [the submissive] into this relaxed state, and I introduce sexual components into the visualization, if you will. After about half an hour of very deep relaxation, where I'm having them visualize various sexual things, I have them, at the very end, empty the rest of the enema bag of water. I tell them when and how to come. I tell them that I want them to have a whole-body orgasm.
This is my definition of a whole-body orgasm: When you don't feel it just at the head of your little dick; you feel it in the head, the shaft, the base, your balls, your ass, your tits, you feel it everywhere. You feel it in your heart, your soul, your mind. I want them to have a whole-body orgasm, where they're totally oblivious. They've got a whole belly of enema water in them, and the coffee gives them a rush; it increases the peristaltic beat. Then I tell them to play with their dicks. Sometimes I'll tell them to do it in a certain fashion, to use panties, or to use a light stroke or a firm stroke. I say, "I want every drop. Don't you dare hold back." That's how I sometimes use enemas with my clients on the phone.
Last night, I had a gentleman here who was a big baby. [He] does a double session with me—four hours—and he has a big, long colon tube; it's about two feet long. I ran that up him all the way. He dressed like a baby, and I used Dr. Bonner's peppermint soap instead of coffee, which also gives really intense cramping and cleans you out very well. I didn't do a whole lot with him. It wasn't very exciting.
It's not really a D&S situation with him. He's more like a friend who pays me to dominate him; it's more like with a baby. He's wearing diapers.
I have a straitjacket now that I can utilize with people. [So] sometimes I combine [it] with a bit of bondage, certainly humiliation. Sometimes I'll give the enema and make [a man] lick me. I don't typically get involved in that intimate a fashion with someone who's in a professional relationship with me, although I have a few people who are very special to me. Very often I'll have them masturbate for me. I'll fill them with enema water and make them kneel, assume the position, or lie there in a semi-fetal position.
[One doctor's] research determined that the type of humiliation that men typically enjoy—which would be the type that an enema would supply—is not usually the type that most women go for. Men like being denigrated. Women might be displayed naked in front of a group of men—or women, for that matter—but usually their display is to enhance their femininity. So whereas a man might be displayed naked and have women pointing at his penis, "Oh, look how small and useless!" a woman would be displayed for the opposite purpose—the revering of her femininity, of her body.
When I was submissive, I felt myself to be out of control. I had to be manipulative and figuring out ways that I could get little bits of control here and there in my life. With my partner, and as a dominant, I now have a new sense of humility. I am so humbled by the experience of being dominant, to have people turn their lives over to me, and to have so many men truly love me. Not that they want to leave their wives or marry me, but that they feel a sense of gratitude that I have really made a change in their lives. Whenever I do a telephone session, at the end I usually will say, "I love you," or "Lots of love to you," or "I wish you love." It's not that I want to leave my husband and marry that person and take him to all the family Bar Mitzvahs. But at that moment, I can truly talk about love with that person and mean it wholeheartedly.
